Posts Tagged ‘emotional’

Today I feel alive. Today I feel renewed. Today, I feel as though I *may* actually be able to say “I am back” with some semblance of confidence! “I am back” to being ‘me’ again. “I am back” in the world of normal people who eat and breathe and sleep and who talk, laugh, and interact with one another, both IRL and online.

It feels like ages. It feels as though I’m just beginning to emerge again. It feels as though I’ve been in a state of ‘exist and survive’ for the last several weeks – where to eat, to sleep – even to breathe – has had to happen on autopilot because I’ve been just *that* darn busy! I can honestly say that I’ve been at my limits – and that’s pretty far, because if you know me, you know that I’m a pretty intense kinda person, a ‘burn the candles at both ends’ kinda gal. I’d prefer to ‘squeeze everything I can’ out of life, because I don’t believe in reincarnation and I know that I’ll be 39 in just a few months, and life don’t go backwards! 🙂

Yes, life’s been busy this last little while. But I can honestly pray, like I heard that the Israelites do, “Thank you, God, for sustaining me to reach this season…” because I know that without His protection, without His seeing me through, I wouldn’t have made it through to today without the measure of sanity that I still have. Which is, surprisingly, quite a bit, considering.

So. It’s 6.34am and I’m off to charge into my day. It promises to be full of laughter and happiness, so I’m keen to get started.

Have a great day yourselves, dear readers!!!

xxx

C

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On this day, back in 1976, my little brother was born. He was a pretty cool little brother – I remember playing with him heaps when we were children.

Now, he lives in London. I last clapped eyes on him when Miss 8 was about 8 months old. He’s only ever seen Miss 5 & Mr 3 in photos & over Skype.

But he’s coming back to Aus this year. WOOT!!!!!!!!! SOOOOOO can’t wait!!!!!

Until then, Happy Birthday, bro. You’re the best!!! 😀 😀 😀

Yesterday was a memorable day. My pretty much non-verbal, autistic, Mr 3 blew me away.

“Mummy? When [it] raining… when it stop… [we see] rainbow. Okay?”

Precious words from the gorgeous lips of my (no longer non-verbal!) little man!!! It was lunchtime, and he was busy munching on his favourite sandwich – sprinkles – and we were listening to the pelting of the rain on our tin roof. And he just started talking, right out of the blue (well, grey, actually, if that phrase is referring to ‘sky’ LOL). He’d obviously been thinking about when the rain would stop (although for most of the day, it just poured and poured and poured; the type of rain that you think will never ever end) and he verbalised what he’d been thinking about.

What a tear-jerker moment!!!

And what made it more special? Posting about it on Facebook and getting SO many supportive comments and ‘Likes’ from online friends. It was just SO incredible to be able to share it with those who know me, and know Mr 3 & our situation, and to see that they were as touched as I was by it. One comment especially made me think. Katherine Howard, I’m looking at you! She mentioned that it was “a lovely observation to verbalise” – and I couldn’t agree more! The idea of the ‘rainbow’. The beauty, after all the miserable-non-stop-rain; the happiness after the perpetual dreariness; even the promise of hope from the original Noah-and-the-Ark Bible story . It perfectly mirrored what had just happened. My little man, talking, after so many months of not. So unbelievably precious!

Wow. Just wow! It was a special, special day. 😀

Thanks for letting me share that with you, too, dear readers – and have yourselves some incredible days today, too! 😀

Orientation

Posted: January 18, 2013 in momentous events, teaching, Work
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Today’s the day! My first ‘official’ day as a staff member. It feels strange; I haven’t been one of these – teacher with a permanent position – since 2007. Not too sure how I feel about it… Mixed emotions, that’s for sure!
I’m stoked that I know so much about the school already, as a parent, as a relief teacher, and as the person who’s been contracted to oversee their marketing for almost two years. I’m ecstatic that I’ll be teaching my daughters – and more than a little amused that they’ll finally see me in a role I’m more familiar with than parenting, having had three times as much experience in it!
But I’m sad too. Sad that Mr 3 will be in Kindy, three full days a week. Sad that I was hoping to devote my Miss-5-free time to Bloxham Marketing, and now I can’t. Sad that my life is looking to be just that extra bit MORE full-on and intense this year than I was expecting. Sad that this’ll mean that my Masters studies will inevitably be more prolonged than even I had bargained for.
But, happy that Hubby’s happy. Happy that the extra money coming in will start reducing our debt levels – and maybe even, one day, reducing the mortgage as well! Happy that I have such security, when I know that there are thousands out there who don’t have that. Happy that I’ll be in a role which is a second skin to me; something I’m familiar with and know that I can do well.
And finally, a little anxious. Concerned that I’ll be able to cope (nodule-on-my-right-vocal-cord-wise) because Primary School Music teaching is probably the most intense job on your voice that I can think of… but other than that, I think that’s it. That’s enough!
So today is Orientation day for new staff; everyone else will start Monday. Wish me luck! Here goes!!! 😀
Oh… and an update to yesterday’s “schoolbooks” story?
I quizzed Hubby (yet again!) when he walked in, late last night after interviewing for new staff all day, and he said, “yes. They’re at the school. I meant to bring them home today but forgot.”
YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY!!!!
Thanks ever so much for your kind thoughts & your prayers, dear readers… You guys ROCK!!!

Dreams

Posted: November 28, 2012 in Life, More about me, teaching, Work
Tags: ,

A while back now, I used to be a teacher. High school kids mainly, but I’ve taught from Prep through to Uni kids. But it was the High School kids that I enjoyed teaching the most. They were the right age that you could hold a conversation with, logically reason with, argue points of view with, and – if it was a good day – possibly be honoured enough to be a part of expanding their horizons. Witnessing that ‘lightbulb moment’ when a concept they’d been grappling with, finally made sense. SUCH an honour!

Well, some of those kids, at the end of each year, would bring me their Yearbook, and get me to sign the ‘Autographs’ page at the back. It must have been one of the early years of my teaching career that I really worked out what I wanted to say – and then I used the same phrase on each and every child’s book. Because I wished the same, hoped the same, and so gave the same advice, for each and everyone of them.

“Chase your dreams as hard and as far as you can.”

I wonder how many people read that. I wonder how many people remembered it. I wonder if any of them look back at their High School days and think that maybe, just once, someone hoped that they would have the best life they could possibly have.

Dreams are hard. They can be scary. They can drive us, inspire us, or freak us out if we think that maybe, just maybe, if we work that little bit harder, they might actually be within our reach.

How great a feeling it is to have a dream! To have hope!!!

What’s your dream today, dear reader? Whatever it is, my wish today? It’s for you. My advice, the same as I gave my High School treasures, as they set out into the next phase of their lives.

“Chase your dreams as hard and as far as you can.”

Go. Go on. Start chasing.

What the opposite to sinking? Floating, right? But if I titled this blog post ‘floating’, that would be rather misleading, I think…

A few weeks ago, I posted about my Masters studies this semester. I was due to complete an elective (the only option available to me if I was going to study this semester) and had discovered the course “INS040 Advanced Standing”. Where you could apply for your Workplace experiences to be recognized towards your degree. So after chatting with both the Course Coordinator and the Head of the Faculty, I finished and submitted my application just a few weeks back. 7000 words (well, they had said 3000 words or more, and you would know me by now, dear readers,
I can tend to be rather long-winded!!!) and then I sat back and waited. (And yes, that’s an expression only. As if I would ever sit down; I’m far too busy for that!!!)

Last week, I received an email from the Head of Faculty. My application had been approved!!! But it’s been a week, and it still hasn’t sunk in. I guess, in a way, the idea of ‘floating’ is, strangely, appropriate. When I think of where I’m at in my studies solar, I *do* feel as though I’m ‘floating on air’!!!

I love my blog. I love the fact that I can write on absolutely any topic that I like, put the words in any random order, and maybe someone somewhere will read it. That it comes from my little corner of this vast world of ours, and my dear readers are in places that I’ve never been before – some places that I’ve never even *heard* of, most probably!

Now I don’t know about you, but I reckon that that is just SO incredibly awesome and amazing and mind-blowingly *insane*!!!

So I go about my daily business, and blog about stuff that’s happening in my life, or random thoughts I’m having (like this one) or maybe even write a few lines of fiction and pass it off as a ‘scribbling’ which may or may not one day ever end up as possibly some kind of coherent piece of writing – but mostly, I just love the fact that I can write. And have an audience. You, dear readers, are absolutely inspirational for me.

Thank you. Truly, thank you! My wish for you today – whatever day you happen to be reading this on – is that the rest of your day is an amazing one, full of light, laughter, and a sense of purpose and peace.

You guys rock!

So for my day 17 #blogjune last night, I posted a question. Thanks for the responses! Yes, it was tricky without context – I had deliberately given none, so as to not bias your answers. But here ’tis…

A couple of nights ago, Hubby and I were talking about our children, and their emerging personalities. I mentioned that Miss 4 was cruisy (in comparison to Miss 7 and Mr 3) and that she took after him. I think he got a little offended at my summation of his character, as he immediately retorted, “Cruisy?!! I’m not cruisy!!!”

I explained further. “In comparison to me, I mean. Compared to me, you’re cruisy.”

“Compared to you, Ceridwyn, Road Runner is cruisy!” was his immediate reply. At which I laughed uncontrollably, because although I knew that I was a pretty intense person when it came to doing stuff – a lot of stuff – in a short amount of time (hey – I’ve only got one life; I want to cram in as much as possible and live it to its fullest!) I didn’t think that I was so full-on that I made Road Runner look crusiy!

So, yes, my immediate thought was ‘hey – that’s cool! Yeh, I like that; that’s a pretty apt description of me!”

However… I’ve since related the story to some IRL friends. And they agreed with him; but unlike me, they weren’t laughing uncontrollably when they heard it. And that made me realise that Hubby hadn’t either. And that made me ask him, “Did you mean that as a compliment? Or was it actually an insult? Or an indictment on me?” His answer, “Ceridwyn, you over-think things!” wasn’t entirely satisfactory, and what was worse was knowing that it’d probably be the last answer I’d get from him on the topic. Hence my question to you all yesterday.

My IRL friends, although agreeing with Hubby, had not necessarily thought of it as a compliment – but rather, took it as a warning that I should probably stop “burning the candle at both ends”. Online responses tended to lean towards the ‘Yep; it’s a compliment”. I think I’d prefer to side with the latter. LOL!

So anyway, that’s my take on it. I’m an intense person who travels through her life at a million miles an hour. And that can be a good thing – but I need to remember than others choose to not do this, and that’s okay. Which is REALLY important to remember when I’m travelling through life with an autistic Mr 3!

CC Image courtesy mark_gilmour at http://www.flickr.com/photos/mark_gilmour/5473967864/

Three-and-a-bit years ago, Mr 3 was “born” by elective C-section. On this day, back in 1974, I came into the world the very same way. It’s funny, hey?!

Have a great day, dear readers!

 

My post yesterday was about how Mr 3, my autistic son, sees the world differently. I shared a few examples – making a seesaw out of train tracks, playing both controls of a two-player playstation game, because his big sister was at school, and using the ‘word’ instead of the ‘picture’ to match cards in a Speech Therapy ‘game’.

I had a bit of response to this post – I apparently was nominated for ‘The Sunshine Award‘ (not that I know how this all works! But I’m extremely flattered, nonetheless! Thanks, butimbeautiful!); and on twitter I caused @jobeaz to *sniff* at what she thought was a ‘beautiful post’ and @gigglesigh to make the comment ‘different minds open your eyes to new things… new experiences’.

Her tweet made me stop and think. Yes, that’s so true. And I replied to this effect, hinting that I hadn’t always felt this way.

And then I thought that I’d like to explore this idea further in a blog post. So here ’tis.

I have always been a perfectionist. I’m smart, okay. Smart enough to realise that that last sentence sounds remarkably conceited, and I’ve just lost all but maybe two of my readers. But I’ll continue anyway, because I want to nut this out in my own head, and sometimes that’s easiest when I’m typing. So anyway…

Yes, I’m a perfectionist. I’m bossy. I know that I can get things done, and they’ll probably get done pretty well – if they get done *my* way. And Ghylene’s tweet made me realise that, you know what? I’m actually not entirely comfortable with “new things… new experiences”. I want things to be the best they can be, because I’m a perfectionist, and for that to happen, I need to be in control of it. Yes, I’m probably one of the biggest control freaks that you have ever met. Yes, I like ‘new things… new experiences’… but only on *my* terms.

So to *suddenly* (haha) have an autistic son has really thrown my world out-of-kilter. Suddenly I’m not in control – and, worse still, I’m aware of this fact. Suddenly I have a little body in my life who does things unexpectedly; and although the things that he does may often be those that society deems as ‘not appropriate’ (i.e. banshee screams accompanying tantrums where he loses any semblance of self-control) – reacting to these things as I would react to any other ‘normal’ child, by assuming that they are engaging in intentional misbehaviour, is also wrong. Because his reactions, although these may be ‘abnormal’ by   my / our / society’s standards? These reactions *are* normal for him. And that has been a difficult adjustment for my 37 year old brain to make.

A few months ago, when Mr 3 was officially diagnosed and I was on the biggest emotional roller coaster I’d ever been on, I was overwhelmed with the support I received from many, many, many, online friends. One such, sent me a link to a blog post written by another mum whose son had recently been diagnosed with autism. She wrote about how her life had substantially changed, overnight, without warning. She described it as planning a holiday to one country, (I think it was Greece?) but had ended up in another (Italy? from memory…). And how it took a huge amount of adjustment, but then she was able to reflect on the beauty that lay in the new path she’d found herself on.

I think that slowly, I’m starting to appreciate some aspects of my new path. It’s taking a while. I cry – like when Miss 7 identifies a storybook character as autistic – from the very first page – and she’s right (Wrong Way, a book about three duckings and their mother who tries to cope) – like when Mr 3 finally says ‘Bye, bye, Mummy”, in context, and gets it sounding almost recognisable, and I realise that he is just so darn far behind his peers because he’s almost 3 1/2 and children who’ve just turned 2 can speak more intelligibly – like right now, when I’m writing, thinking of my beautiful little boy and how I love him so much and want to protect him from all the crap that life can dish out…

Anyway, I just wanted to get that out there. I’m a perfectionist, and a control freak, and I need to change all that. Hopefully,  prayerfully, day by day, I am…